Nikki

I was born in Athol Massachusetts. When I was nine my mom died tragically from hepatitis which she got during a pedicure at what looked like a really clean place. My daddy was so heartbroken. He said he always thinks of now when he trims his toe nails. After the incident he swore that would never happen to another Williams again. So he picked us up (me and my dog Archie) and moved us to a place where germs can’t live: Las Vegas. People say Vegas is dirty. But it really isn’t, the air is so dry and hot that fungus can’t grow there. So you get sick a lot less!

There I was the captain of Sacred Heart varsity cheerleading teams in 2001-04. I was the first cheerleader to ever do that in state history. I also helped lead us to eight district 1A cheering championships. And they haven’t won again since I left! So I wonder what that says?? (wink wink!) My daddy was totally cool with me not going to college right after high school even though I killed on the SATS and was voted most likely to kick ass!. Instead he gave me a black card and let me tour Europe with my best friend Jess for the summer. As long as we stayed in hot dry places he was okay! When we were there we had a blast. We even went to the original Prada store in Italy. Amazing right? And when we came back my friends said Jess and I even had Italian accents. I wish it was French, but what can you do? Life is not perfect! LOL!

This spring me and Jess decided to pursue what all our friends said we were destined to do: To be Cowboy cheerleaders.. So we went to Dallas to some disgustingly crowded open tryout. And guess what?? We didn’t make it!! You don’t think they could use an eight time time district 1A cheerleading captain? Retarded right? It was a totally an utterly horrible injustice. Jess and I were much hotter then the others. We were wronged because we were blonde. They had some stupid quota system. And the blondes they took had the worst brown roots I’ve ever seen! And fake jugs! Jess agreed. We took pics. And sent them to our friends back in Vegas and they agreed too. That’s politics in a nut shell.

This cheerleading debacle opened my eyes to a lot other truly serious injustices going on in the world. It made all the other wrongs out there appear crystal clear to me. When I got cut I knew right then I should dedicate my life to fighting injustices around the globe. My mother died because of an injustice!

Someone once told me that I was a philanthropist at heart. I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I love nature. All I know is I'm ready to right the next wrong and take down any evildoer that stands in my way and then go shopping. I'm on a quest to fix the injustices of the world and I’m committed to a world of liberty and justice for all. Well, so much for secrets. By the way I think if anal bleaching works for you then fine you should do it.

Jess

Hi I’m Jess. I’m best friends forever with Nikki. I met Nikki at Sacred Heart. I will never forget I was throwing up in the bathroom and she came in with some paper towels and Altoids and held my hair out of the toilet water. We’ve been like sisters ever since. I mean I am talking I even have a bedroom at their house. How retarded is that??? My favorite thing in the world to do is braid Nikkis hair. I just love touching it. It’s so flaxen. Weird right?

And her dad, Mr. W, is the best. He makes me realize that older men can be both more attractive and engaging then then their younger counterparts. Not to mention more generous. When Nikki and me went to cheering camp in Tahoe Mr. W would fly us both first class! And he’d send us care packages with condoms. And hand sanitizer! How funny is that!

Right about now you’re probably wondering why I am not talking about my parents. What do you want to know? I don’t look like them. My Dad is always borrowing my motorcycle helmet. It doesn’t even fit him and now it’s all stretched out. And last week my mother accused my new boy friend of using her toothbrush. Oh my god, so annoying.

I am so glad to be a member of the Undercover Cheerleaders. I knew I had a greater mission in life then matching my drapes to my carpet, and it figures my best friend helped me find it. I’ve always wanted to fight crime. And I like throwing people to the ground and jumping on them. I’m tricky, a master of disguise and a daredevil. I once got into an exclusive private party pretending to be one of the Hilton sisters. I was busted when some photographer lifted my skirt (probably trying to get a shot to post on the internet) then blurted out “she’s no Hilton she’s wearing panties”! I mean, who is this guy? Like get a life. Some guy on the street stopped me one day when we were fighting an injustice. He asked "who are you guys"? I said "we’re Undercover Cheerleaders". He said "what"? I said "just think of us as like Charlie’s Angles with pom poms, but fighting real world problems". He said "oh". A friend recommended anal bleaching to me one day. I’m not sure if I’m for it or against it? I guess I can see its advantages.

Ash

Most people don’t even think I was ever was a cheerleader. Well, I am one now. A lot of people say I grew up an orphan; others trace my roots back to a trailer park in rural Mississippi. Whatever. I have friends all over the world. I was a groupie/back-up signer for a band a few years ago. It's no secret I like weed, pot, herb, grass, Jane, gangster, reefer, dope, ganja, whatever you want to call it. I started using it for medicinal purposes, but later I felt like it made me like more clear headed so I stuck with it.

Anyway, because of my condition, in the state of California, I can go into a shop with my license and buy like an once of pot legally. This country isn’t ruined yet! There was a time where I was a little concerned about what smoking might do to my lungs. So I decided to try vaporization. It’s really cool! Unlike smoking, a vaporizer does not burn the actual plant material, but heats it just to the point at which the THC (the good stuff) and the other cannabinoids things vaporize. The vaporizer gives no exposure to gaseous combustion toxins, so it's much safer for your lungs than smoking marijuana cigarettes. In the end though, I looked kind of strange walking around with a big vaporizer. It’s a bit cumbersome and not so hip. So, I’m back to smoking jays. I'm a loyal friend. I truly care about the world we live in. I believe in fighting for justice. I love men but I think white guys can be so lame. The best pot comes from Canada, because they’ve got the whole green house thing down. Oh, I love to cook, especially bake. Some day I hope to have my own baked goods line. I’m going to call it Ash’s Baked Goods. I think anal bleaching is a terrific idea. Whoever thought of that should run for office.

Steph

I’m still attending college but I tried out for the Cowboys Cheerleaders anyway. I did it for my little brother Jonny. He loves the Cowboy Cheerleaders. I thought it would have been cool if I were on the team. When I got cut Nikki said it was all political. I agreed and decided to join her as an Undercover Cheerleader. When I’m not fighting injustices, I study education so when my investigative days are over I can pursue my first love, teaching. It’s so true; the brain is a terrible thing to waste. I love hanging out with my friends. I’ve been told many times that I'm a really good listener. I’m a Jersey girl at heart. I’m tired of the bad rap New Jersey gets. Come on! Newark is totally on the rebound! They asked me to answer a question about anal bleaching I am not sure what I am supposed to say since I don’t know exactly what it is? Yes, I guess in some respects I am anal.